10 Years
10 years of missing you…
…of loving you in ways I still had to learn, of forgiving & letting go & at the same time, finding what tender pieces to hold tightly.
10 years of grief that is its own journey; one that has simultaneously brought me to my knees & into the depths of my heart and continues to strengthen my ability to love and grow. A bittersweet blessing that I continue to be grateful for as one of my greatest teachers.
Below is a long read, an honest read written 5 years ago - many of you know grief too. It will resonate or remind you that you are not alone.
Today…today is always a hard day. It’s been 5 years since I had to make the choice to remove my mother from life support & 5 years since she left this realm. I miss her every day. I miss her in ways I could have never imagined.
As I sit & let the tears stream down my face, they are unstoppable. They fall for so many reasons - for the way my heart aches, for all the lessons I learned after her death, for the peace that came with forgiving my mother, & largely my tears fall for how big my heart has grown, & continues to grow.
Amidst all the heartache & heartbreak, I have been blessed with an ever-growing capacity for love, for life & for vulnerability. You see, today doesn’t just mark the anniversary of my mother’s death, but also the anniversary of a time when my entire life burned down around me; I had to pull her off life support, I left my husband, I lost friends, my father died a few short months later, I lost the remaining immediate biological family that I had - my siblings - just gone from my life - in a lot of ways it felt like I just lost everything.
I learned what it was like to really be alone. I learned who was really there for me, and I am eternally grateful for those people. I learned who I am, who I want to be, & was reminded of how strong I am because of the softness of my heart - because of my willingness to let it break over & over again, because of my refusal to let it close up & become hard & cold. My heart is my greatest strength.
So today, while I let the tears fall it’s with a mixture of sadness, but also awe - I am in awe of this exceptionally beautiful life. I am grateful to have found that the depths of my grief are directly linked to my immense capacity to know joy & to have a heart that is brave enough to know and hold it all. So yes, my heart aches so much, but oh how it rises every time it falls with the same force of nature, echoing the waves in their ability to be both soft & powerful all at once. So I give thanks for a heart like the ocean - deep, vast, soft & strong.
So as I move through the day, I will let my heart ache, but I will also be open to receiving joy however it may come. These complex feelings I hold hurt so much, but they also remind me just how alive I am. I miss you Mommy, I love you. I am so grateful for your gift of this precious life. ❤
